Male Anatomy as a Metaphor

My wife just said the funniest thing I've ever heard come out of her mouth...

Everyone who knows her beware! She just said:

"I just want to tell people to sack-up all the time!"

I spent the next five minutes rolling on the floor laughing. I can totally see Julie's grandma saying the exact same thing if she knew that expression and weren't bothered by the obscenity.

Julie's vulgarity-laden righteous indignation is so freaking hilarious that it might kill me!

World Cup Fever

Sorry for being a bad little blogger lately... I have been working alot the past few weeks. Congrats to Jimmie for successfully getting a girl to sleep with him at least enough times to make this cute little guy.

And now the World Cup has started. I am glad that ABC/ESPN are broadcasting all the games this year, even if I won't see all of them. The last world cup was in Korea/Japan which meant that all of the games were on at like 2am here because of the time difference. I was in college then, and it was summer break, so I stayed up late or got up early to watch as many games as possible. I guess I won't have to do that this time.
The US team plays their first game tomorrow against the Czech Republic at 9 am. My great grandparents came from the Czech Republic, and my grandfather went back there to visit some relatives after the country emerged from communism in the 90's. Perhaps I will break out my bottle of Slivovitz (a plum brandy brewed there) and have a few sips while I watch the US win, or a few swigs if they are losing.
I will be working, so I plan to tape it and watch it tomorrow night. That means I will be going on a total media blackout tomorrow. No tv, internet, or radio all day until I watch that game. Please, do not call me, text me or (if you see me) tell me anthing about the game.
Here's some highlights from the US team's qualifying run to get you pumped up for tomorrow's game. My favorite part is Oguchi Onyewu manhandling the Mexico players. Only someone on that team would be arrogant/stupid enough to get in the face of a guy who's 6'4'' 240lbs.

Mmmm Pie Pants....

I had to work today, so Julie made me a pie...

Good News

Sometimes the news really gets me down. I actually like listening to the news on the radio when I drive to and from work every day, but it can also be pretty sad. If you really think about the people involved in news stories (their emotions, and how their lives are changed) you get a different perspective than if you stay emotionally detached. I often think of that Jack Johnson song that says "why don't the newscasters cry when they read about people who die? At least they could be decent enough to put just a tear in their eye."
Well hear is a good story for a change, and it happens to be about someone I think is a really good person: Dave Righetti.

Finally gets whats coming to him

I can't tell you how long I have been waiting to see this. He got a good punch in too. The most interesting part of the video is when AJ says that they have been friends for a long time. Thats the most blatant lie I have ever heard! 2 things wrong with that statement:
1. AJ doesn't have many (or maybe any) friends.
2. Friends don't get punched in the face.




Thats what you get for mailing it in when you played for the Giants. Plus, it takes a lot to be so hated on that team that they get rid of you. He made Barry look like the model teammate.

I've watched this about 50 times, and it still makes me smile every time I see it. From now on, when I have a bad day, I will just come home and watch this over and over until I feel better.

The bison was right all along

I think this is a funny take on the "immigration debate."
I'm sorry that you will have to click on the link. I tried to get some code to embed the video here, but it was written wrong and I didn't know how to fix it.

Trust me, this video is well worth watching!

Just click the freaking link!
The bison was right all along

Dubya and Libya

If I lost a loved-one on in this tragedy, I would be renouncing my citizenship right now and moving to Canada. I feel so sorry for the people who's worlds were torn apart and now have to deal with this.

Let me set the scene for you as I see it. There is this country with a dictator who organized terrorists to bomb a plane and kill 259 people (many of them American, including 35 college students returning home to Syracuse University). He has harbored terrorist training camps, had the most devious and effective nuclear development program (until the UN paid him $$$ to stop), and is know to be cruel and torturous to his own people.
Based on our foreign policy of recent years, you might think we are planning to invade his country soon. Wrong. We are lifting our sanctions against them as fast as we can, and we are throwing ourselves headlong into becoming best buddies with them (planning to open an embassy there, renew diplomatic relations, increase trade for things like oil).
Trust me, the families of the Lockerbie victims are pissed. Wouldn't you be if you were in their shoes?

Sorry about the downer of a post, but for some reason this just stuck with me all day, and my heart really and truly goes out to all the people touched by this. In my mind, the fact that it happened 18 years ago doesn't make it any less important. All of us who have lost loved ones know that while we may get better at coping with time, we never stop loving and missing those we lose.

High Tide or Low Tide

This is just a great song, and I think this cover does it justice.
Please ignore the idiot who introduces the song (I don't even want to write his name)

Hanging out with my own kind

Sorry I've been such a bad little blogger lately. I have been working really hard (68 hours this week, including 16 yesterday.

One of the fun things about working on the farm is that I see lots of wildlife on a daily basis. There are tons of really neat birds on the ponds around the land that we farm. I check in daily to see how all the little ducklings are doing as they paddle awkwardly behind their mom. I also see squirrels, gophers (the dead ones I trap), jackrabbits, cotton-tail rabbits, skunks, mice and coyotes on a daily basis.
But today I saw something I have never seen before....
I think this is a pretty good picture considering I took it with my camera phone (the screen of which I cannot see in the sun), from about 10 feet up on the top of a water truck tank.

So let me set that stage. I was putting water into a water truck, and I caught something moving out of the corner of my eye. At first I thought it was a squirrel, but as it got closer it looked more like a weasel. I didn't think there were any weasels in the area, and its color was different than any weasel I'd ever seen. I got a great look at it as it came closer. It seemed to be as curious about me as I was about it. It would come out from behind a rock, look at me, then dart behind another rock a little closer to me. Eventually, it was within arms length of me, but he was too quick to let me get a picture of him at close range. Once he got close enough to see what I was all about, he quickly became bored and moved on (I guess women and weasels have a lot in common).
After some internet research, I am certain that it was a long-tailed weasel, which is "native" (not native in the sense that it has always been there, but in the sense that it was introduced a really long time ago and is now a part of the ecosystem without causing too many problems) to most of north america.

I guess they kill lots of small burrowing rodents which is good for us. So I say to my new rodent friend, "Kill on, weasel! Kill on!"

THE SCHRUTE SHALL SET YOU FREE!

So anyhoo... I am a big fan on The Office (the US version, people. the Uk version is so 2002). If you too are a fan, you should check out Dwight's blogs. They are hilarious.
OR... go to his freaking hilarious myspace page!

Another Simpsons Theme

First of all, I know next to nothing about playing the guitar. That said, I believe this is may be the one single instance in the history of humankind where the greatest amount of talent and energy was put toward the most trivial thing.

Rejection

The unhealthy things that single people do to each other...
... are pretty funny.

Not Exactly Seattle Slough

News Flash: I have to admit that I don't know this first-hand. Supposedly, Richie Sexson tried to steal a base for Seattle last night against one of the best catchers in the league, Ivan Rodriguez. This would be funny to see, since Richie Sexson is 6'8"/240lbs and slower than slow. Apparently he was thrown out very easily. Now usually a team would be mad at a player for doing such a stupid thing, but this time they were impressed by his dedication. You see, he was accidently given the steal sign by the coach, and so he tried to steal even though he knew he had no chance.

Anyone who can find me video of this incident will earn my eternal respect and admiration!

Tu Mama

I was just thinking that tv couldn't possibly get any worse. oops...

If you haven't seen this new MTV show called "Yo Momma!"(sic?) you are lucky. It is seriously worse than anything I could imagine. This has to be one of the most embarrassing things our society has ever experienced.
Now, in college, I used to sarcastically tell "your momma" jokes to my friend Jimmie. I was trying to be ironic, though. These guys are totally serious. Everyone on this show qualify for the most pathetic people on the planet, but the everyone who is responsible for making this show should be prohibited from procreation.

My favorite Yo Mamma joke:
"Yo mamma (is) so fat, when she cuts her leg shaving she bleeds gravy."

Please note in my comments if you would like to pledge with me to boycott this show.

You're Beautiful

I visited my brother in Fresno last weekend. He has this huge big-screen HDTV. The picture clarity is nuts! Anyway, we were watching James Blunt live on one of the high def channels. It was startling. Take away his hair, and he looks exactly like my friend Jimmie. I wish I had a good picture of each so you could see for youself, but you will have to trust me.

Home Alone!

In case you haven't heard, Julie is in Colorado for a few days on business. Unless she is having a secret affair with Jay. I don't really think that, just wanted to give his blog a plug since he's done so for me. I do have to say that very few women can resist the jay.

As for me... I just put on aftershave and it really burns. Aaaahhhhh!

More Run-ins with the Criminal Element

Well, well, well. Bravo to the wonderful job you stupid would-be theives did on my car. Of course I call you "would-be" because you couldn't even get the job done. I wish you had stolen my car. If I had gotten home today and it was gone, I would have had a nice down payment on a new Toyota Tundra. Instead I am left with a bill to repair all the things you broke in your pathetic attempts at robbing me.

First, let me compliment the nice job you did putting an antenna in the crack of my passenger door. You really did a number on some chrome strips and totally destroyed my weatherstripping. Too bad you were still about 2 feet short of reaching the lock. That doesn't even qualify as close.

Second, nice handywork on drilling out my doorlock. You wasted your time though. That lock has been broken for years. You could always put any old thing in there and turn it to make the door unlock. If you had tried that first you would have saved yourselves alot of trouble. It is also really easy to simply pop the lock on those cars with a scewdriver. Much less effort than drilling.

The same goes for my ignition. I really appreciated the handiwork involved in separating the housing around my steering/ignition. That too has been broken for years and anything remotely resembling a key can be turned to start the car. So why didn't you take it?

Oh, how funny. After all that painstaking labor, my battery was dead so it wouldn't start! I'm so sorry. You should really bring along jumper cables the next time you decide you have the right to take something that doesn't belong to you. Its not even your greed that angers me, it is your stupidity. That car has been easily broken into many times by good, hard-working, intelligent thieves. Thats right... Those Fresno theives could really teach you a thing or two.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

Ok, so I am reprinting an article from the Bakersfield Californian Newspaper website without permission because they have one of those stupid subscription services and you wouldn't be able to access it if I hyperlinked.

Deputies seize 29 pounds of marijuana after pursuit arrest
By The Bakersfield Californian | Tuesday, Apr 11 2006 2:06 PM

Last Updated: Tuesday, Apr 11 2006 2:06 PM

A 25-year-old Bakersfield man was arrested Tuesday morning in an almond orchard after a short pursuit when officers found more than $140,000 worth of marijuana and hash oil in his vehicle, Kern County sheriff’s deputies reported.

Investigators from the sheriff’s Major Violators Unit and deputies from the Rosedale Substation attempted to stop Stephen Stilwell in the area of Stockdale Highway and Superior Road which is east of Enos Lane, deputies said.

But he raced north on Superior Road to the orchard near Brimhall Road, deputies said. Deputies arrested Stilwell at about 7:30 a.m. after he ran away from his car in which he left 29 pounds of marijuana valued at $116,000, three pounds of what is believed to be liquid hash oil valued at $24,000, and one kilo of kief (marijuana being converted to hashish that in this process has no value), officers said.

Also in the car was a loaded 12-gauge shotgun, deputies said.

Stilwell was booked into the Kern County jail on charges of felon in possession of a firearm, manufacturing hashish, possession of marijuana for sale and evading, deputies said.


How does this pertain to me? Well... I was driving in from a field this morning when I noticed a strange person in a gray SUV pull into an almond orchard that happens to be down the street from where Julie's parents live. As I came around the corner, I saw some squad cars with their lights flashing patrolling the area. It was clear they were looking for someone.
I stopped when I got to a white SUV where a guy about my age and build was putting on body armor and getting out an automatic rifle. Explaining that I was a neighbor, I asked if they were looking for someone, and told them about the gray SUV that clearly doesn't normally belong there. The deputy with the big gun told me the SUV was one of their undercover agents and asked if I had seen anyone on foot. I hadn't. He said it would be in my best interest to stay out of the area for a while.
I proceeded down the street to check on my mother-in-law who I suspected might be home alone (like any good son-in-law would). Finding her not at gunpoint, I told her what happened and went back to my work. I figured that the house was well beyond the walking distance of even the fastest criminals (there are also at least a 1/2 dozen other houses between the orchard and their house). Plus, I have full confidence in my mother-in-law to defend herself. Seriously! Any criminal who sees her as a potential victim is an idiot and totally deserves the merciless beating he would surely recieve. I also made sure the doors were tightly locked when I left the house.
Nothing else really happened, but it brought a little excitemtent to my day.

Nintendo

Feeling a little nastalgic. I found a site where you can play every Nintendo game ever made on your computer for free.
You do have to have Java for it to work properly. On my computer, the games are playable, but run a little slow. Hopefully, some of you will have better luck.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

Wrath of God

I already knew God hated SUVs, but now there's proof. He just caused the ground to open up and swallow one!

Reporting the Obvious

I don't know how long this link will work, but this has to be the dumbest reporting ever. I don't know if they will change the title of the article, but right now it reads, "Valley in middle of a rainstorm." Talk about the media being irrelevant. Anyone who has been out of the indoors for 30 seconds in the last 36 hours could tell you that.

Here are some more possible topics for future Fresno Bee articles:
"The Sky is Blue"
"Some people are men, others women"
"Dodgers fans are mentally deficient" (That one is obvious to me anyway)
"People asking to be paid for work"
"Wife mad at cheating husband"

MCC Sale

Anyone going to the MCC sale?

When Breaking News Happens...

You heard it here first folks! Yesterday I posted a link to a live action version of the Simpsons intro. Today I find out that the Simpsons will be actually using this as their intro on their new episode this week (Sunday 8pm EST/PST).

Talk about Smack!

I just found this video that I have been dying to have a link to. I am always trying to explain to people how Jim Rome got famous. If you don't know, it was of course the Rome vs. Chris...err.. Jim Everett incident, and now I have a link on my blog so that everyone who didn't know can see the video for themselves.

The Simpsons

Anyone who likes Simpsons as much as me will enjoy this. Someone shot the intro frame-for-frame in real life with real places/sets and actors. This must have taken a lot of work and is a fitting tribute to a great show.

More cat nonsense

Here's one of the most hilarious animal videos I've ever seen: Cat Jump. I don't know why its so funny, but I can watch this over and over and laugh every time.

MEOW!

I was playing this game online 'cause I love to make my wife mad, and I knew that if this didn't do it nothing would. The thing is, our cat totally understood what I was doing. He woke up from his nap and was staring at me with the most frightened and disturbed look. Now he is giving me a look like I am a killer and won't let me touch him.

Here's another good one. My best shot was 710 ft. Anyone do better?

Food for the Soul

Giada De Laurentiis



I love her show Everyday Italian on the Food Network simply because it has great recipes and for no other reason. I also like (actually love) the recipes in her cookbook of the same name. I believe cookbooks should have lots of pictures and this one doesn't let me down, except that she isn't in enough of them.
Well, anyway, she has a new cookbook coming out next month, and will be doing booksignings to promote it. She will be in various locales in the Bay Area or LA area on different days between 4/29 and 5/9. I don't know if my wife would want to go, so anyone interested in taking a roadtrip with me?

Back and Better Than Ever

YES! My blog is finally back up. Blogger has been having problems, and I haven't been able to access my blog for about 3 days. I hope these problems are over and we can get back to normal. So if you have been getting "error" or "forbidden" messages when you try to access my blog it seems to be better now, but that may not be permenant.

Don't count your chickens before they are hatched: I just went to my blog and found the formating all messed up. They must be working still.
Please stick with me. I'm sure they will get it fixed soon. If not, I will move my blog to another service and will let all of my readers know where to find me.

March Madness?

I've only seen about 10 total minutes of the tournament so far this year. Last year I took the week off, and watched all the coverage CBS could dish out. The little bit I did see made me not want to watch at all. I thought Winthrop totally got robbed today with that phantom foul call. How can a guy who is standing perfectly still with his hands straight up in the air commit a foul? He wasn't even moving. Doesn't he have a right to the space he occupies as long as it is not directly under the basket? I guess if your a 15 seed, you don't have a right to much of anything except getting bounced in the 1st round by the refs.
Big thumbs down...
-to the refs in that game.
-to me for not blogging enough this week
-to That 70's Show not ending last year

Big thumbs up...
-to Savemart for the beautiful cut of beef I purchased and BBQed tonight
-to Craig Kilborn for being such a funny SOB. Where is that guy? I would pay money to see more of him. I enjoyed him on Sportscenter, the daily show and finally his latenight show. Too bad that didn't work out. The only thing I've seen him in since then is OLD SCHOOL (aka the funniest movie ever), and he was hilarous. Actually, I also saw the Sportscenter he returned to do, but Dan Patrick barely let him get a word in edgewise. That makes me think... Kilborn has this bit that he does where he plays this really straight, guys-guy, jerk very similar to his role in Old School (did I mention its funny?). I bet Dan Patrick is the inspiration for that bit.
-my soft bed. I am going to it now. My alarm is set for 4:45 am. Talk about March Madness!

Huh?

I was going to make some mean jokes about the name of this farm, but I felt too bad. Lets just say, if you are going to start a business, take some time to think about ALL the ways a name can be taken. That goes for naming children too.
Oh, I can't resist.
"I don't know what they grow, but I bet it gets tall fast."

Think my joke is lame? Comment and tell me a better one.

Light it up

It rain fairly steadily in bakersfield all day yesterday. As I was driving around town with my windshield wipers on their highest setting, I barely noticed a few things that almost looked like cars--it was hard to tell through all the rain. They couldn't have been cars, though, since they didn't have any lights on. You see, California law stipulates that one must use headlights during any sustained rainfall or visibility less than 1,000 feet. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself (very bottom of the page). Oh, and for those of you who think your parking light (those little orange ones) count, they don't.
I am not a fan of daytime running lights, but I think this is a good law. It is so much easier to see someone in a storm if they have their lights on. Plus, when the roads are wet, you need extra time to react and seeing someone a spit second earlier could make a huge difference. Too bad it will never be enforced. No cops want to spend a rainy day getting out of their cosy squad cars to write $96 tickets.

She drives real fast and she drives real hard

In working for the farm, I often do a lot of driving. I would have to say that this is by far the most stressful and frustrating part of my job. The roadways in Bakersfield are downright dangerous. The combination of poor urban planning, explosive population growth, the popularity of SUVs and inconsistently enforced traffic laws has led to what I believe is one of the most dangerous areas to drive in the country. I am seriously scared to be on the road much of the time!
I could go on and on about how stupid people are and how hypocritical our traffic laws have become, but I won't (ok, maybe I will later). Instead here is what I think is a great idea: go to http://www.campusmoviefest.com/movies.html and click on "A Meditation on the Speed Limit". Big props to these guys/girls. This is the kind of out-of-the-box thinking that our country needs from the younger generations. I don't know how happy their parents are about them risking their lives though.

Camping Trips

This summer, Julie and I went camping. Julie is the best girl camper ever. She loves it. Plus hot dogs and smores are 2 of her favorite foods. Needless to say, we had a great time and can't wait to do it again. We are planning to go some time this year with my brother if his back ever heals. We are also thinking of planning some 3 day weekend type trips. Does anyone out there have a great place they like to go that we might enjoy? Any suggestions or recommendations would be much appreciated.

Here are some pictures from out trip to Crater Lake in Oregon...
CRATER LAKE

Let me just say that this lake is freaking huge, and scary to look at. The edge of the lake is a sheer cliff ALL THE WAY AROUND. If you are afraid of heights (I am), this can be tough to deal with, but it is worth it. You can't understand how huge this is until you experience it in person. I have never felt so small in my life as I did the day I stood at the edge of this lake. It is a totally humbling experience, and I will always carry it with me as part of how I see myself in relation to the world around me.

ME


JULIE

No Body Know the Troubles I've Seen...

It looks like I will spend most of the spring sick again this year. Last year I got very sick in the end of January, and was sick until about mid April. This year I got a bad cold about 3 weeks ago. Took a course of antibiotics, felt terrible for 2 weeks, got better for about a week. Now I have terrible ear pain and sore throat. One of my tonsils is swollen to about the size of Mini cooper. Looks like I will be spending another morning in the doctors office.
I top it all off, I can't sleep at 1 AM and I am typing a post right next to my sleeping wife. She is super pissed right now. Must go make amends.

The Weekend in Pictures

This is such a great place! I dropped $50 here without even trying. Ouch.

Julie talked me into going to what she calls CPK this weekend. As expected, I didn't like it very much, but she loves that place.

Here's a pic of Julie driving me around (or crazy). Here's how our conversation went:
ME: Hey Jules, its cloudy. Whats with the Sunglasses? Who do you think you are, Bono, or something?
HER: You wish! (implying I am secretly in love with Bono)

Darn her quick wit! I wish I married someone stupider than me.


This is Julie on her horse, Sweetie. This horse can be pretty ornery and mischievous. Actually, I shouldn't say that. She can be very sweet, and she is almost always a perfect angel when I want to work her or ride her. She occasionally does some things to make Julie mad, but I can understand that.

Julie looks really good riding her, and today was a beautiful day for a ride. All of the almond trees are blooming.
I guess spring has sprung.

On a side note, I am currently listening to Your Gonna Need Somebody on Your Bond by Taj Mahal
I got his CD Giant Step/De Ole Folks at Home this weekend and am loving it. I was debating whether to get a collection of his hits or buy his old albums. Well, I went the album route and I'm not regretting it yet. I may have to get another soon.

Pathetic & Trivial Friday Post

I don't know if I've said this before, but I have a serious problem. Not that one. Not that one either... Just let me finish! I try to avoid listening to music on the radio, but on occasion I have run across the song Here Without You by 3 Doors Down. I think this song should totally be a twangy country song. When you hear it, you can totally imagine some guy singing it in a whiny country music falsetto. Sometimes, if I am in the car with Julie, I practice singing it in my best country singer voice.

Stay tuned. I am going to try to take some pictures of my weekend adventures to share with y'all, so there's something to look forward to.

If your interested, I am currently listening to I Stood on the Banks of the Jordan by Reverend James Cleveland. I bet you didn't know that I am into old gospel and Spirituals. It has a gritty/worldly, yet hopefull feel that really appeals to me(I like bluegrass for the same reason). It doesn't deny the difficulties in the world. It stares them strait in the face and says, "Bring it on." I would love to get some vinyl of some old spirituals some day.

To let it go... and so to find a way

Well, I'm in a really bad mood today. I wouldn't say its for no reason, just for lots of little reasons. I actually have been a little cantankerous and irritable all week, but today it started to come to the surface like a painful blemish. This got me thinking about the different things people do to unwind, decompress, de-stress, etc. Since I have moved to Bakersfield, I have been having trouble developing new habits to get over a hard day. I had more ways than I think I needed in Fresno. My favorite... I would call my good friend Adam and we would go have a pint in a quiet bar somewhere in tower where the world could never find me. But, alas, the Tower District is 2 hours and about 30 bucks in gas away from me right now, and my good friend is most likely carousing with at least two beautiful women right now...
But back to my subject of what people do to unwind. Here are some things that have been working for me lately:
-Play FIFA on my playstation
-Listen to music
On this subject, check out I Love the Rain the Most by Joe Purdy
or for something completely differnt, I have been enjoying Arctic Monkey recently, but I know most won't like this.
-Drink Beer and eat Salty snacks (I never fails... to give you a hangover)
-Watch DVDs of the Simpsons. Watching this show to decompress after a long day has been a tradition for me since college. Unfortunately, the local station stopped playing an hour of Simpsons reruns in the evening. Now I only have my DVDs to console me. Anyone who wants to buy me season 7 I welcome to do so. I might send my wife out to get it right now though!

Things I don't do:
-Drive (if I can avoid it)
-Talk to people who annoy me. This runs the risk of sending me over the edge and unleashing a tirade that even the most annoying person in the world doesn't deserve.
-Discuss sensitive issues with my wife.

Well, I don't really know where I was going with this. I'm sure I'll look back and think about how poorly written this post is, but I won't delete. I couldn't take the backlash that I would get from my readers.

Evil Genius or Just Evil? You Decide!

Well, well, well... My last post generated quite a bit of wild speculation about why I want a huge fish tank. Clearly some of you see me as a mad scientist (not too far off). Ok, I'll tell you what it is for, with the caveat that anything I publish here is proprietary intellectual material. For those of you who are idiots, that means you can't steal my ideas.
As many of you know, I have become interested in bass fishing of late. I recently found out that small bass (about 6-8 inches) keep very well in a fish tank. I have even found websites of some scientists and college profs who have kept them. In case you still want to steal my ideas (even after that strongly-worded warning), I'm not linking to these sites. If you want to steal my idea, you will have to do your own work.
So here is my idea: I am interested in making a Skinner box . But instead of using a rat or other land animal, I will be using a largemouth bass. This will allow me to do operant conditioning experiments and gather data to better understand the cognition of bass and other fish. Specifically, I am interested in learning how quickly bass fish learn and modify behaviors.

Now its time for the test portion of my post (don't worry! there's only one question)
The end result of my experiments will be:

a)I will never get laid again (luckily I hid my extremely nerdy qualities until after marriage. Or did I?)

b)I will become the greatest bass fisherman the world has ever known (I may already be that, though.)

c)I will get tired and watch Star Trek (I don't like the show, but all this is making me think I might like it soon)

d)All of the above

Please feel free comment and tell my what a loser I am or join my losery ranks and give me ideas for my experiments.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor, would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?
Igor: And you won't be angry?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I will NOT be angry.
Igor: Abby someone.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Abby someone. Abby who?
Igor: Abby Normal.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Abby Normal?
Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?

Wanted...

Does anyone out there have an old aquarium that is over 50 gallons, in decent condition, and that they would be willing to sell me for a reasonable price? I am in the market for a large fish tank (preferably at least 48" long, but less might be ok), and retail prices on them are outrageous!

This is for a personal science project that I am interested in doing, so your efforts would go to the worthy cause of advancing human civilization.

Ideas for Rent

Unfortunately for you, my wife found out about my ideas concerning leadership. So, instead of giving my ideas out to the world for free, she wants me to develop a seminar that people will have to pay for. If you know her, I'm sure you can picture her saying this. This is the girl who used to rent her Barbie stuff to other kids instead of sharing!

Just so you know what I'm thinking about, I will give you an illustration. Imagine your friends invite you to play a new game with them. They take you out to where you are going to play, and they explain all the rules and strategies to you. When they are confident you understand, you all begin to play together. Almost as soon as the game starts, you start to notice that people seem to be doing things you thought were against the rules. Then, they start penalizing you for infractions that you thought were totally legal. Next, your team is getting frustrated with you, even though you are trying to do exactly the strategy they described to you before you started.
How would you feel in this situation? Confused and frustrated. And rightly so! If there were other rules that superceded the ones they described at the beginning, why didn't they just tell you about them before hand? Are they just changing the rules as they go along in order to cheat, or because they don't understand the rules very well themselves? And why is your team so mad? Aren't you just doing what they told you to do? If they had wanted you to do something else, all they had to do was tell you.
Sadly, I've noticed that many of my friends and relatives are felling this exact way in their lives. Be it at work, church, school, other groups, or even at home, many people feel confused and disoriented because the "rules" of the group seem to be always changing. This is a direct result of poor leadership. One of the bedrocks of good leadership is consistency, and that seems to be a trait severely lacking in many leaders today. There are many reasons for this lack of consistency, many possible solutions, and many good reasons to be more consistent.
Imagine yourself as the leader in any group situation you want. For some this might be hard, for others it will be very easy. Until you've led, you can't grasp how hard a task it actually is. What if I told you (remember, your a leader right now) I could make your group:
-achieve its goals faster with less work
-save more money
-improve interactions and relationships with other groups
-improve member morale, satisfaction, and retention
all while reducing the work load on you (the leader)?
Doesn't that sound good?

A Leaf in the Wind

It has come to my attention that there really is a leadership crisis in America today. I'm not talking about what is going on in the nation's capitol. I'm talking about the kind of leadership that we all experience daily in our homes, civic organizations, religious groups and, yes, our jobs too! I am interested in exploring the idea of consistency in leadership over my next few posts, and I hope that you will bear with me while I stuggle to awkwardly articulate my thoughts on the subject.
Never fear, I will soon get this out of my system and go back to writing about the stupid things I say to get in trouble with Julie and the things that I am breaking at work.
If it gets too intense, I may simply abort this effort. In which case, you will just have to have a conversation with me sometime to get the rest of my thoughts.

Stuff you need to know to live

Tonight, I feel I should enlighten my readers with some odd news to which they might not otherwise be exposed. 3 links, and then I go to bread... I mean bed. (If you can name the simpsons episode this comes from, I will give you 5 bucks.)

Some people are such stupid idiots. I would have sent her to jail and sued her. I wouldn't have asked for money. I would have asked to damages to be paid in her having to put signs up on her house that say she is a stupid idiot.

I always thought those guys were TOO well dressed. Check it out.

I've heard of some crazy fights at churches, but this takes it to another level.

Dodger Symbolism from a Giants fan

Found an old, but very cool video of a crane accident. This crane was called Big Blue and was one of the biggest cranes in the world at the time. It was an icon of the industry, and many people knew about and even admired it (you might say they looked up to it. HA HA). Well, they were using it to put the roof on a baseball staduim, Miller Park, in 1999. They were doing one of the largest lifts ever (the section you see lifted is 3/8 of an acre and 100's of tons of steal), and the 4 guys who drive it were in too much of a hurry to take wind readings. The rest you can see for yourself.
Sadly, 3 concrete workers were in the stadium at the time and lost their lives. There is a statue honoring them outside of the ballpark now.

Watching this big blue machine go down hard at a ballpark makes me think of how hard the fall will be on the dodgers this season. They're gonna get hurt so bad they will have to change their colors to black and blue.

"Teamwork"

When I saw this commercial on the Super Bowl, I immediately thought of my wife. I later showed it to her online. She absolutely loves it. I'm not trying to say that she feels this way at work... oh wait, yes I am. Anyway click on the link and hit the play botton for the commercial "Window" if you want to check it out.

I can't get no respect!

Here are some movies that I feel don't get the credit they deserve:
-The Truman Show
Just a great, great movie. I don't know what else to say but that. Everything about it is top class (screenplay, cinematography, acting, etc). I think some people don't give it the respect it deserves because Jim Carrey is in the lead role, but I think it deserves a second look.

-Gladiator
What happened to this movie. One day, it was the greatest epic made in this generation. The next, no one even remembers it. One day, Russel Crowe was winning the Oscar for it. The next day, people don't even mention it when they list the movies he's in. Sure, he's done some other good ones, but when people mention Master and Commander instead of Gladiator that is a problem for me. I could pull this movie out on any day of the week, and have a great time watching it. Which is a lot to say for me. I am a moody guy, and usually I need to really get in the mood to rewatch a film I own.

-Mr Smith Goes to Washington
People who have never heard of this movie should go out and rent it right now! Even if you don't like it. It is short, and Capra is at his prophetic best. I will just tell you that I understand this film has some shortcomings, but it is one of my favorite pre WWII films. This film is also a must watch for anyone who want to talk politics or anyone who wants to act like an "intellectual snob" (i use this term to refer to people who are snobby about what they know. I know this one applies to many of my readers. Especially Ed, no offense. I'm not implying in this term that all intellectuals are snobby. I actually find the uneducated to be more agressively exclusivist than the intelligencia as a whole).

-Punchdrunk Love
Many of the people with whom I saw this film did not like it at all. I am fine with that, but I disagree. I felt that the film accurately portrayed that life of some very psychologically troubled people with whom I could on some level identify. I warn all readers that this movie is no happy-go -lucky film. It has some very difficult scenes in which the viewers is meant to feel uncomfortable, because that is how the characters are feeling. In the end, though, there is a sense that there is hope for redemption, even if it comes in a very flawed and imperfect form.

-Memento
What happened to this movie? Everyone was talking about how crazy and amazing it was, and then they all got over it. This is one movie that I don't own that I wish I did. It also was what really gave Christopher Nolan some serious Hollywood clout. As a side note, I had always been curious about the short-term memory loss thing, and I recently found out that it can really work just like it does on this movie.

-50 First Dates
Speaking of short-term memory loss. This is a great movie to watch with girls who don't like serious movies. You all know the type. My wife is generally one. You know, you want to sit down to a video on friday night, but you don't want to have to explain the plot the whole time or have her get mad at the end because it was too scary, violent or whatever. All I'm saying is, its never failed for me. Just trying to help you guys out.

Well, I have a few more, but this will have to do for now. Maybe if I get a response I can add to my list, or we can just argue about it in the comments.

A quarter of a century!

If you know this girl, call and wish her Happy Birthday! I won't tell you how old she is, but I will tell you that she was born in 1981.
Julie, I love you!

Other famous people who share her birthdate (2/7): Charles Dickens, Sinclair Lewis, Chris Rock, NBA guard Steve Nash.

OVER-RATED (chant)

I been spending some quality time with a tractor lately, and it has left me with plenty of time to think. I know the Oscar nominations came out this week, but I hardly know what was nominated because the news is only reporting on a certain movie I'm so sick of hearing about that I won't even mention the title. Although, I will say that I can't believe how ironic and euphemistic the title is! Its not like I really care about gay issues either way, I just hate how the media tries to find any scrap of sensational news and then report on only that for as long as they can make the story last. Is anyone actually doing real journalism anymore?
Ayway, in honor of Oscar nominations I have been thinking about movies lately and decided to release a series of my own movie lists. I will get it kicked off (in my typically critical fasion) with 9 movies I think are totally overrated. Why not 10? The number 10 seems so trite, doesn't it? Plus, I only thought of 9.

9 Overrated Movies (in no order of importance)

- Metallica: Some Kind of Monster
In case you missed this one, it is a documentary about how this hard rock band got therapy and worked out all their issues so that they could stay together as a band. The thing is, when I watched it I realized that they are still totally screwed up after all the therapy. Nothing really changes. One guy gets sober, and another falls off the wagon. That pattern pretty much repeats over and over. Lots of critics gave this movie positive reviews, but I don't really see what is great about it. These guys just wanted to film their lives so that they could sell a product they didn't have to work to make to their already loyal fanbase. Lame money-grab. Nothing more.

- Top Gun
I don't really hate this movie, just think it gets more love than it should. Anyone who is a fan of the Sports Guy knows of all his references to the latent homo-eroticism in this one. I'm so glad he had the courage to say what everyone else was thinking, that beach volleyball scene has to be the gayest thing in the history of all cinema. Way more gay than Brokeback, more flaming than Robin Williams in the Birdcage. I'm not gay bashing here, I'm just saying that the people in that scene are claiming to be straight, but aren't acting like it. That may be how guys play volleyball at Immanuel High School, but at my high school guys were into chicks! I do have to say that Tim Robbins is so funny and goofy in this movie, and laughing at the few scenes he is in saves the film in my book.

- The Sixth Sense
"I see dead people!" All I have to say about this one is this: if you didn't figure out that Bruce Willis was dead before the end of the movie when it is revealed, then you should seriously question your mental capacity.

- The Princes Bride
I actually like this one. I just think people give it more credit than it deserves as a children's movie. With all the violence, gore and hinted at sexual abuse, is this film really appropiate for children? I say sure, but our society seems to have decided that children should be sheltered from all form of this bad stuff. At the same time however, society seems to turn its back on some of the worste offenders, and I think this movie is a good example of the societal inconsistency.

- Field of Dreams
BORING! Someone decided they didn't know how to write drama, so they wrote a story with an intentionally intricate and dragging plotline, knowing that it would fool some people into thinking they were seeing something dramatic and emotional. Where some might see dramatic pauses, I see nothing happening and am unimpressed.

- Titanic
This was the first film that came to mind when I started thinking about the concept. As it turns out, just about everyone I asked mentioned this film as one of their choices for most overrated. I'm sick of hearing how romantic it is. If it is so romantic, than how come the pick-up line "hey, I don't have any money... want to go fornicate in the back of a car" never works? Huh?
I don't have a problem with the awards it won for costumes, sets of speciall effects. They built a freaking ship and sunk it. How cool is that? But that doesn't make it a great movie. I remember going to see this in high school with my girlfriend. It was me and 2 buddies (all with our girlfriends), and we all pissed the girls off royally with our behavior in the movie. I have to rate the unintentional comedy scale very high in this movie. In fact, even though the concept hadn't been put into words for me yet, I think this was one of the first times I recognised unintentional comedy.

- Any Steven Segal Movie
I don't think this needs much. The fact that anyone would pay to make a movie with him in it is more credit that he deserves. Thus, the overrated status.

- Unforgiven
Well, someone has to say it. Might as well be me. Clint Eastwood isn't tough! He lives in Carmel. How tough can someone from Carmel be? Talking like you smoke a carton a day doesn't make you tough, either. Plus, this movie was one of the most boring westerns I've ever seen.

- Its a Wonderful Life
I'm not saying this one isn't good. Just overrated. The amount of attention this movie gets is insane. It isn't even the best Christmas movie. It's not the best Jimmy Stewart movie either. I may not even be one of his best 5 performances. And, while it may be one of Capra's more balanced and personal films, it isn't very interesting subject matter when compared with his other work. I will give you a much more interesting Capra/Stewart film in a later post. How did this one even become a Christmas tradition? Why did it beat out other films like Holiday Inn, White Christmas, etc. to become the one that everyone is supposed to watch during the holidays?


Well, there they are. Feel free to let me know just how right or wrong I am.
P.S. "I see dead people."

Doin' it like Bunnies

Check out this funny movie parody site. The videos are 30 second summaries of famous movies. Oh yeah, they are reenacted by animated bunnies. Ones I find especially funny are The Shining and Jaws.

Hockey

Last night we went to a hockey game. Julie was very excited to see a fight. In every other area of life she absolutely hates fighting. On the occasion where I watch boxing, UFC, etc. she can't even watch. It freaks her out. But for some reason, she has no problem with fighting in hockey, and she can't explain why she feels this way. This is very frustrating to me because I like to understand things.
I find fighting interesting for 2 reasons.
1) Why people fight.
The average person's answer is ANGER, but that shows a total lack of observational skill. If you really look at all the forms of fighting in our society, you will find a meriad of reasons and motivations. Economics, status, self-defense, territorialism.
2)Strategy of fighting.
I've noticed that I seem to take an academic approach to life in a way that many other people don't. I'm always studying things and trying to understand different approaches and strategies. When it comes to this, fighting is one of the most fascinating subjects to me. Maybe you've never thought of this before, but there are as many, if not more, intricate details to the strategy of a fight as there are in any major sport. There is a lot to think about.

Winning the lottery on the same day the Giants win the World Series

Well, I titled my last post "That had to hurt," and today I smashed my finger. So I'm calling this post "Winning the lottery on the same day the Giants win the World Series." A guy can dream can't he. I thought about adding to it "my wife has finally agreed to do that thing she won't do," but then I thought about how her dad reads this. My next post would be called "my father-in-law shoots me."
Looks like I've pretty much done myself in now anyway. Oh well...
I don't really have much to say right now, but I really wanted to get a wish into a post title and see what happens. I'll try to get an enflamatory opinion on something very soon and write about it.

P.S. Yes. I had to call my wife in and get her editorial approval before I wrote this. I couldn't argue with you if you said she is pretty dictatorial. She is also really cool though. Honestly, I challenge everyone who reads this to find a guy who's wife would let him write this. Her rule is "if it is funny enough, it overrules the inappropriateness (sic)."

That had to hurt!

I just read in Rueters online that a guy shot his buddy while trying to cure him of the hiccups. Apparently, he was trying to "help" his buddy stop by scaring him. Hoping to cause fear, he pointed his gun at said hiccupper (any guesses on how that is spelled), and it accidentally went off. The good news: He was cured of the hiccups forever!
The bad news: He was also cured of living.

This got me thinking of some of the messed up things friends do to each other for various reasons without intending malicious harm.

One time when I was in high school, a friend and I were hanging out before soccer practice. We were really bored (which is how many of these stories seem to begin), and he decided to scare me when I was coming back from getting a soda. As I came around the corner, he swung at me to fake a punch, but I walked right into it. Needless to say, I went to practice with a fat lip and a bruised ego.

In college, we had a friend named Chris. Two things you have to know to understand the story: 1)He was one of these guys who would do anything for approval
2) He was always changing jobs and always needed money.
One night, a friend was showing us some police strength pepper spray (it is more concentrated than the commercially available stuff). We though we might make our buddy Chris some money by seeing how much people would pay to see him get sprayed. I think the total got over 150 dollars, and Christ was in. So we sprayed him right in the face, and he spent the next few hours howling in our shower with cold water pounding him in the face. I wish we had pictures; his face was so red and swollen. It was a rough night for him, but he made some quick cash. When I look back on it though, maybe it wasn't the nicest thing to do to a friend.

81 points?

I woke up this morning with something on my mind. I seem to remember watching Kobe hang 81 on Toronto last night on Fox Sports Net. Was that a dream or did it really happen?

Gone Fishin'

For all of you who hang on my every word, I plan to spend as much time fishing this weekend as humanly possible, so I'm posting this and taking the weekend off (as if this were my job). I know it will be hard, but you can get through it. Take some deep breaths and think about all the good times we will have in the future. If you feel like you might hyperventilate, grab a paper bag and breathe into it. Does that even work? I always see it on tv, but have never actually seen a medical professional advise this approach. Maybe Mythbusters should test that out.

Just so you don't have to go all weekend without me telling you what to think, here are some of my takes on the world as we know it:
Sports: After seeing what the Lions did, I am afraid that Julie might leave me for someone named Blana or Danaga, but not someone named Danal! Personally, I think Steve Mariucci is a great coach.

Music: I am listening to That Was a Crazy Game of Poker by O.A.R.
I also downloaded the Gillian Welch cover of Black Star by Radiohead. I can't say that I love it, or even like it much. When it comes to Radiohead covers, I find stuff by Christopher O'Rilley really interesting. He plays piano arrangements of radiohead. I think its really good.

Movies: Julie and I watched Fantastic 4 last night. My eyes haven't stopped hurting since. Seriously! My eyes have been itchy and red for 24 hours since we saw the movie. I've never had an alergic reaction to a film before, but this one deserved it. Only redeeming value: (do I even have to say it? you all know what's coming) ...
Jessica Alba! My brother is obsessed with her (not litterally, for you FBI guys who are reading this), and I can see that he has a valid point. If you want to see a good movie this weekend, just go rent Happy Gilmore. There's nothing wrong with an old standby. Plus, the sound effects for the punches in that movie are the best in any movie I've ever seen. Just hearing them makes me laugh.

News: Get some news from an online news source, and lay off the CNN, MSNBC, etc. I won't even mention that other network. I hope none of you are that stupid. Julie is trying to distract me right now because she knows how I get when I start to think about THAT channel. Just go to BBC or Reuters online this weekend and find out what is happening in the world that corporate America (who own all the major news outlets) doesn't want you to know about. Or better yet, pick up a major newspaper and read every page of it. Think to yourself, why is this story about all these people dying in a 3rd world country buried on page AA25, while the front page has a parade or some other trivial thing on it?
Man, I totally sound like a crazy conspiracy theorist. I swear, I haven't done any drugs tonight (a will drink some Theraflu before I go to bed); all this paranoia is totally natural in me.

TV: Don't watch anything that has "drama" on it. Shows don't even have a premise any more. All they do is put 5 of the craziest people they can find in a room and hope they fight. Even shows on HGTVor Animal Planet are all about drama now. Who watches this stuff? And Why? I seriously want to know. And then they are going to cancel the greatest show on earth AD.

Oops, I did it again

Thought I might post some pictures of my job (have to keep up with my friend Adam).
The picture at the top is the tractor I have been driving lately. If you look closely, you can see that the driveline to the brush shredder is totally busted (the picture on the left shows more detail). Oops... Did I do that? In my defense, it was really old, and we're pretty sure that when we get the results of the autopsy back it will have died of natural causes. (Old School reference for those of you who are totally unhip) If you go to this website, click on the link to the official site, then play the Frank the Tank streaking game. It is hilarious! All I have to say is, "once it hits your lips..." Speaking of beer, I'm drinking a high life right now.
On the rare occasions when I'm not breaking something, I am having a really great time working on the farm. The weather has been really nice this week. Lots of sun considering what time of year it is.

1st anniversary

Disclaimer: Nothing written in this post is intended to give the impression that "my marriage is so great," or "I am so insightful, smart and a marriage guru," or that "I know everthing." These are just some of my thoughts as I relfect on a year of marriage and how lucky I am to have Julie.

Last year, at this time, I was getting ready to get married. I often hear that the first few years, especially the first year, of marriage are very difficult for many couples. That hasn't been the case for me. This last year has been the best year of my life by far! I can't speak for Julie (well, some pastors say that I can, but I won't), but I think we both have had just about the best year of our lives. I have some theories, or reasons, why I think this might be so for us.

Reason 1: Julie and I knew each other for a long time before we got married. As a result, we didn't have very many of those "I can't believe you do that!" moments that many newlwed couples seem to have. For the most part, I knew the few things about Julie that get under my skin long before we ever took the plunge, and she knew the things about me. I think its safe to say, that I get the better end of the stick on that one. I am infinately more disgusting, obnoxious, and annoying that she is. So we both had reasonably accurate expectations for what living together would be like.
Plus, we knew each other through more that one major life transition. So we had a better understanding of the things about each other that were temporary, and the things that would stay the same over time.

Reason 2: We spent a lot of time talking about our core values and the things that are most important to us when we were dating. This was very important to me because I don't only love on an emotional level. For me, love is also an intellectual task. I need to feel intellecually connected to someone to feel a deep love for that person. I also need to know my lover's mind to be able to think about how I should act to best love that person.
This was helpful, because we didn't wake up the day after our wedding and realize that our occupational goals, religious beliefs/moral values, and/or family expectation were in conflict or incompatible. It seems odd to me, but, from both personal experience and the research I've read, many couples apperently have exactly this problem. They become infatuated with one another, get married fairly quickly, and leave their compatibility up to chance.

Reason 3: We went through a lot of our struggles while we were dating. I'm not saying we planned it this way, or even that it was good. It sucked, and I wish much of it hadn't had to happen. At some point, we had to decide if things would always be difficult between us, or if we had worked it out and come through some things. Obviously, we decided the latter, and I strongly believe we were right. I guess the silver lining is that the last year has been great.

One of the gifts I got Julie for our anniversary was a sponsorship of KVPR. We both really like public radio, and Julie especially likes Car Talk. She even gets a Car Talk mug out of the deal. This is also an inside joke because Car Talk settled one of the first disagreements we had after we were married.
I had promised Julie that I would get her oil changed, but hadn't done it because she had only gone 3k miles on her last oil change. One day, she got really mad that I hadn't done it yet, and it started this arguement... er... spirited discussion: (this is not verbatim, but is true in the actual information cited by and the intended meanings of the parties unvolved)

Julie: "My car is nice and new , and I want it to get the best possible care. The oil needs to be changed every three thousand miles. Why haven't you done this yet?" (notice how it implies that my car is a POS. It is a POS, but thats not the point)

Me: "Well, even your users manual says that the oil needs to be changed no more often than 4k miles, and many experts feel you can go 6 to 10k. I subscribe to the 7500 mile mark that I have often seen."

Anyway, we compromised on me doing what she says to do when she says to do it, and I took her car to get the oil changed. A few weeks passed and I happened to see an article writen by the guys on Car Talk while flipping through the newspaper. To understand this story, you need to know that Julie takes what these guys say as gospel. The story happened to be about how often to get the oil changed, and they recommended....
...
Dramatic pause....
...
7500 miles! I was right! You were wrong! In your face! HA HA HA!
Thats what I thought, not what I said.
After a few hours of composing myself (I needed every minute of it), I humbly showed her the article and we came to an agreement as a couple on the 7500 mile oil change philosaphy. We also came to the agreement, though its not always recognised, that I am always right!

Blah, blah, blah

Well, I have taken some time off from the teaching to work on the farm for a while. Some of you may scoff, but I like it. More updates to come on that front. I don't really need to hear the same old jokes again, so don't post one unless you have some original material. If you've got a good (new) one, I'd love to hear it! I have to say, of all the occupations where you hear the same old stupid jokes, my friends the Woody's have it the worst. Everyone who knows them should call them right now and say, "Hey, guys, how's business? Are people dying to get in?" That would really brighten my day. Why was my day so dark? Well, it was foggy all day.

In other news, Julie and I are celebrating our first wedding anniversary this weekend. Translation: I only have 2 shopping days left! If I don't get her something good, this could be our first, and last anniversary. I'm not saying we would get divorced... I fully expect her to kill me if I blow this one.

I really wanted to get her this great painting that my friend Ed did. It is almost completely red, and that is her favorite color. The only problem is, there is totally a demon face in it. Last year, I told him I would buy it if he could fix it somehow, but he said no. Sorry, Ed. I am a fan of all his work, though, and think everone should check it out.

DOH!

The day started out bad. I woke up at 2 am with a migrane, so I got up and took my medicine and went back to bed. It only got worse from there. Still a little foggy from my medicine, I went out to my car about 10 am. I needed to meet my father-in-law about some farm work he wants me to do at 12 and was going to run some errands first. As my car is warming up, I am giving it the daily once-over. Tires look good. Didn't get broken into last night. Engine sounds ok. Paint job still looks terrible. Trash all over the inside is still there. Then I noticed the steady stream of oil flowing from somewhere under the hood onto the asphault. We're not talking a few drips here, we're talking a morning pee after a long night of drinking stream. "This is not good," I thought to myself.
Things didn't get much better from there. I guess some days are just like that.
If anyone wants to buy me a 2006 Toyota Tundra Access Cab 4x4 SR5 V8 (blue or black paint w/ light charcoal gray interior), I would be happy to accept it. Although, I don't think I can even afford to pay the taxes on it.

Something to Keep You Occupied

Here's a fun way to calculate what those nights out add up to.
And here is some of the most hilarious marketing for food I have ever seen.
How bout a one-in-a-million shot?

Them's Fightin' (Illini) Words

George Will wrote a syndicated column* that appeared in many newspapers throughout the country today, concerning the NCAA edict against Native American mascots. While I agree with his underlying theme that the NCAA is being overbearing, unreasonable and inconsistent, I was very disturbed by some of the other things he wrote in the column. He linked this NCAA action to a larger movement within what he called "academic liberalism" toward censorship of offensive material. Just so I'm being fair, here's a larger quote:

"Censorship -- e.g., campus speech codes -- often are academic liberalism's preferred instrument of social improvement, and now NCA censors say: The Chief must go..."

Again, I don't disagree with his beef with the NCAA. I do have a big problem with the rest of the statement. The assumption that censorship, in any form, is exclusively or even primarily coming from the liberal side of our society is laughable to me to say the least. Clearly, Mr. Will hasn't been paying much attention to the goings-on at the FCC since the Bush administration took control. Anyone who doesn't recognize that social conservatives are trying to change the course of society in this country, using censorship as their primary tool, isn't paying attention to current events.
These (Will's article) are the kind of half-truths, which are perpetuated by well-meaning conservatives who aren't seeing the current American political landscape accurately. Many conservatives fail to see that there are actually two major conservative camps in America today. The traditional conservatives (of whom Mr. Will is a member), value fiscal responsibly (tax less, and spend less), individual liberty (the government shouldn't tell me what to do unless absolutely necessary), small government (why would we need a big gov't if we are doing the previous 2), and local control (my local gov't knows me and my needs and should make most of the laws for my area).
There is a new conservatism, though. It is actually moderates masquerading as conservatives. This group (of whom the President and many republican leaders are members), thinks the gov't should have whatever power it wants. After all, how could the gov't ever do something wrong? The only thing conservative about them is their values. They are very socially conservative. This group, who have risen fast to power, value big government, federal control, stronger checks on individual liberties, and social conservatism.
One is forced to look at the implications of a ruling party that values federal control, big government, unchecked government spending and social conservatism. What are the future implications of this kind of governing philosophy for individual liberty and tolerance in our country?
While Mr. Will is concerned about academic liberals not letting schools have the mascots they want, I am concerned about the people who actually control our government and have a record of almost unprecedented expansion of censorship telling us what information we can and can't receive through forms of major media.
It is my personal belief that the greatest threat of censorship currently comes from the right, not the left. And I take strong issue with his statement that censorship is the left's preferred instrument of social improvement. Once you remove the option of killing people who disagree with you, censorship is everyone's preferred method of social improvement. That's why our political system was created with protections against it. There's no reason to try to pigeonhole it as exclusively a problem with academic liberals, and, therefore, another reason anyone who considers themselves conservative should hate liberals. I don't think Mr. Will was right to frame his arguement the way he did, but he can say all the stupid things he wants. Its his right, and I don't know any "liberals" who want to take that away from him.


*(It ran under different titles in different papers, but I think it was first published as The Chief Must Go, in the Washington Post on Jan 5)

My Sweet Rose

Alright, I had some things to say yesterday and didn't comment on the Rose Bowl, so today is the day. Not all of my commentary about the game is football talk, so if you don't care about sports, just scan over the football stuff. Since most of you know that I'm a negative guy, I'm going to approach my Rose Bowl commentary in the following way:
Top 10 Things I Hated about the Rose Bowl:

10) Keith Jackson was really bad. Honestly, do you think he woke up this morning and felt good about that performance last night? His voice and diction are fading fast, but he did pull it together a little for this one; you could barely understand him in some of his other recent performances. Also, he clearly didn't know much about either team beyond the big name starters. A couple of times he made comments about guys that even I knew weren't very accurate, and I don't follow either team. He also clearly has this "I'm the man, so I can say things other guys would never get away with" attitude. He was very harsh with the referees, which I'm sure made more than one network exec for ABC/ESPN squirm a little. Then, toward the end of the game, he just starts trying to dictate what we should believe like he is Moses coming down from the mountain or something. He thinks that because he has seen a million games in his life, he can tell us to believe that this is the greatest college football game ever (it clearly isn't and I'll get to that) or that V Young put in the greatest performance in college history (he didn't, not even close). Poor KJ. His "retirement" never should have ended. I honestly feel bad for the guy. Why can't people go away gracefully anymore?

9) The Rose Bowl is one of the truly great day-game stadiums left in the world. It loses a lot of charm at night. Why not do the national championship game on saturday or sunday afternoon like the super bowl?

8) I'm sick of hearing about the 2-time national championship thing. People forget that USC wasn't the BCS championship winner 2 years ago. That year, one poll essentially broke away from the BCS and declared USC their champion. Its ironic that, to make the BCS championship more important this year, they were telling people the 2004 game didn't matter.

7) This is more of a BCS thing, than strictly a championship game thing, but where were the bowl games on New Year's Day this year? None of the big BCS bowls are on that day any more. Plus, many of the other bowls were on Jan 2 for some reason this year, which meant that I saw about 3 bowl games this year. You see, myself and 4 other people in the country had to work on monday, Jan 2. Plus, I have become so adept at watching football while nursing a hangover, that it has become almost an essential part of the process.

6) Not enough shots of those Texas cheerleaders in chaps! Did you see that? I couldn't believe that? I felt like I was watching Striptease or Showgirls. Their mothers must be proud. Probably the only time these girls will ever be on national TV, unless their mobile home park floods, and these girls are dressed like the dirtiest sluts in the world. Someone at Texas needs to be fired for that one.

5) I kept thinking about all the terrible behavior I saw from USC fans when I went to the coliseum for the fresno state game. I didn't really root for either team, but I went to see an interesting game since I grew up in fresno and got free tickets from my father-in-law. USC fans were out of control. So what? Aren't most college football fans insane? Well, I have two problems with this.
-One, the Pac 10 has NO alcohol sales at their games. That’s right, no beer. So, either, you can't blame the bad behavior on brews, or you have to think seriously about not letting people in from tailgate parties who are clearly smashed out of their mind. In any other social setting, these guys would get pinched the minute they ran across a boy in blue. But at college football games, 15 po-po walk by these guys every half hour and do nothing. Meanwhile, 30% of the fans in the stadium are drunken idiots looking for any excuse to fight.
-Two, USC were two time national champions, with a 30+ game win streak. Fresno st. was, well, themselves. If my alma mater was USC, I would like to think that I would have some class and dignity. What do I have to get worked-up about? My school is great, wins all the time, 2 championships in a row, I can just sit back and bask in the success and wait for the outcome. If we lose, oh well, it was a good run. If we win, ok, we should win. USC fans clearly don't see things that way though. When they were losing, they flung verbal assaults on Fresno State fans as if it would put more points on the board for their team. When they finally won, they acted as if they were the underdogs who had just beaten the greatest team in the history of world. Don't act like you just cured cancer, act like you just escaped losing to a team you should have beaten by at least 21 pts. Every SC fan should have hung their head in shame and left the stadium feeling lucky to have their streak for another week after that one. I have heard that USC is a great school, but I seriously question the intelligence of the alumni after that experience.

4) Not enough LeAnn Rimes! I don't know why, but I have secret love for her. I think its idea that she could sing to me whenever I wanted. I'm not saying that she's any more than modestly attractive, or even close to the best singer. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind seeing more of her. She did a good job with the national anthem, too. A very hard song to do, and almost impossible in a stadium with the sound problems of the Rose Bowl.

3) The 5 pm start time is a little early on the west coast and I bet that cost them some first half ratings points (granted, the actual game didn't start to almost 5:30). There's no reason to not start at 6. Plenty of monday night football games get great east coast ratings with a 6 pm start time. The culture over there is just different when it comes to this stuff. People stay up really late to watch their favorite teams. Plus, no east coast team was playing, so they weren't going to get huge east coast ratings anyway.

2) People keep saying that it was the best game ever. It wasn't even close. The first half was very sloppy, with stupid fumbles and going for it on fourth down for no reason. Pete Carroll blew it with his timeouts in both halves, and did not once ever think about spying V Young. It's so basic. When you have a QB who takes off, at least try keeping a LB home to spy him for a couple plays and see if it works. This game WASN'T two great heavyweights trading blows! It was more like to really fat, old heavyweights flailing at each other and hoping to land a lucky punch that knocks the other guy down.

1) I hate myself for using this stupid Top 10 List to do my Rose Bowl commentary. If I ever wanted to become a writer, it’s over now! Seriously, I must have thought to myself, "I'll use the most trite and simple format I can think of today." Plus, I think I owe David Letterman like $800,000 now. Nice.

Slip inside the eye of your mind don't you know you might find a better place to play

My ears are bleeding, and I just threw up in my mouth. That's right. I'm listening to Oasis right now. Why would I endanger my mental health like that? Well, I'm listening in honor of my good friend Doug who lives in Eugene OR. I'm also writing in orange in honor of his hair color. He's sick in the hospital right now, and we are all hoping and praying that he gets well very soon. Cheers Doug!

Freedom!

Yesterday was my last day at a long-term job that has occupied a lot of my time since the beginning of November. I was teaching a sixth grade class of 31 students in Oildale, a predominantly white, lower class area of Bakersfield. I have to say that I was being compensated pretty well, and the progress that I was making was gratifying. That said, I am looking forward to not working on grading or lesson plans tonight. Any time you work hard on something, it is difficult to leave it behind. I find that it is even more so when your work involves people's lives. I won't get into the specifics of what I was doing, but I think its fair to say that at least a few students were benefiting from what I was doing. Unfortunately, the teacher for whom I have been filling in for the last few months is still unable to return, and the state rules will no longer permit me to be in the classroom because of the type of credential I have.
Thus, the class will be turned over to another substitute teacher who I fear will not do a very good job. This teacher taught this very class for a week before I took it over, and about 5 total assignments were turned in during the whole time. Let's try to do the math on that one real quick: 31 students x about 4 assignments per day x 5 days. That means the whole class turned in 5 out of a possible 620 assignments (if I did my math right)! I feel like I just built a house (a very mediocre, perhaps even poor one, but a house none-the-less), and now someone is going to burn it down. But I did my best, and I guess that's all I can do. It is out of my hands now, and I need to learn not to put responsibilities on myself that don't belong to me.
Sorry if this post is a little to down for some of you. Just being "real" (whatever that means?!).
I also apologize if there is too much "teacher talk" in here. I tried to keep it to a minimum. "Teacher talk" is the phenomenon that I have noticed where two or more teachers find each other in a social setting and then force the rest of the people in the group to listen to them having a two-way conversation about the detailed specifics of their job for hours on end. Have you ever noticed this type of thing happening? Why does it seem that teachers do this almost exclusively. At least in my experience, accountants, construction workers, farmers, secretaries, medical professionals and retail workers don't seem to exhibit this behavior. Put two elementary school teachers in a room of fifty other people, though. In less than 10 minutes, they will have found each other and begin to talk so loudly about work that everyone else in the room has no choice but to stop their respective conversations and listen. I vow to never do this! If you see me doing it -- I mean, if I am crossing the line from simple, polite answer concerning how my work is going, to insanely self-centered teacher-person, I want you to come up and physically hurt me in some way that will teach me a good lesson but not make my wife a widow or hurt her chances of having children with me. Seriously! Hurt me!

Happy New Year!

As promised, here is a picture of our little child D'Wayne. Sure enough, as soon as I began posting, Julie's sixth sense kicked in and she ran into the room to look over my shoulder. How does she do that?! I feel so sorry for our kids if/when we have them. She will be one of those moms who always knows when the kid is doing something wrong no matter how sneaky the kid is. I honestly believe that she should have followed her childhood dream and become a spy.
On a totally unrelated note, this is the time of the year I usually spend avoiding all forms of media. Does anyone else hate all of those "Best ____ of '05" and "What will/should happen in '06" shows/articles? I am also not a fan of the New Year's resolution. I am the type of person who is constantly evaluating my life and trying to decide what I should change. I'm not saying I am superior to those who make yearly resolutions. In fact, being as introspective and analytical as I am can be down right depressing and counterproductive. All I am saying is that I can't really identify with the resolution thing, and I always get trapped by the inevitable casual conversation "What is your resolution this year?" I can never think of a good answer. On the other hand, I love learning new things, having new experiences and being exposed to things I didn't know existed. So, for me, every New Year brings the excitement of new experiences. This is where YOU come in! That's right, YOU!!!!! I'm going to post some things that I really think you should check out, if you haven't already, and I hope that some of you will let me know some things that I could discover in '06. So here we go:
Books:
1. Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
2. The Average American by Kevin O'Keefe
3. The Dogs of Bedlam Farm by Jon Katz
As far as music, tv and movies go, I try to throw out a suggestion with each of my posts so you can connect with what I'm listening to or watching if you want. For today, I'm listening to Jack Johnson's cover of Badfish / Boss DJ and Mid November by Johnathan Rice right now. I am looking forward to hearing suggestions from any or all of you about what I should read, listen to, see or do in this next year. HAPPY NEW YEAR!