Tu Mama

I was just thinking that tv couldn't possibly get any worse. oops...

If you haven't seen this new MTV show called "Yo Momma!"(sic?) you are lucky. It is seriously worse than anything I could imagine. This has to be one of the most embarrassing things our society has ever experienced.
Now, in college, I used to sarcastically tell "your momma" jokes to my friend Jimmie. I was trying to be ironic, though. These guys are totally serious. Everyone on this show qualify for the most pathetic people on the planet, but the everyone who is responsible for making this show should be prohibited from procreation.

My favorite Yo Mamma joke:
"Yo mamma (is) so fat, when she cuts her leg shaving she bleeds gravy."

Please note in my comments if you would like to pledge with me to boycott this show.

You're Beautiful

I visited my brother in Fresno last weekend. He has this huge big-screen HDTV. The picture clarity is nuts! Anyway, we were watching James Blunt live on one of the high def channels. It was startling. Take away his hair, and he looks exactly like my friend Jimmie. I wish I had a good picture of each so you could see for youself, but you will have to trust me.

Home Alone!

In case you haven't heard, Julie is in Colorado for a few days on business. Unless she is having a secret affair with Jay. I don't really think that, just wanted to give his blog a plug since he's done so for me. I do have to say that very few women can resist the jay.

As for me... I just put on aftershave and it really burns. Aaaahhhhh!

More Run-ins with the Criminal Element

Well, well, well. Bravo to the wonderful job you stupid would-be theives did on my car. Of course I call you "would-be" because you couldn't even get the job done. I wish you had stolen my car. If I had gotten home today and it was gone, I would have had a nice down payment on a new Toyota Tundra. Instead I am left with a bill to repair all the things you broke in your pathetic attempts at robbing me.

First, let me compliment the nice job you did putting an antenna in the crack of my passenger door. You really did a number on some chrome strips and totally destroyed my weatherstripping. Too bad you were still about 2 feet short of reaching the lock. That doesn't even qualify as close.

Second, nice handywork on drilling out my doorlock. You wasted your time though. That lock has been broken for years. You could always put any old thing in there and turn it to make the door unlock. If you had tried that first you would have saved yourselves alot of trouble. It is also really easy to simply pop the lock on those cars with a scewdriver. Much less effort than drilling.

The same goes for my ignition. I really appreciated the handiwork involved in separating the housing around my steering/ignition. That too has been broken for years and anything remotely resembling a key can be turned to start the car. So why didn't you take it?

Oh, how funny. After all that painstaking labor, my battery was dead so it wouldn't start! I'm so sorry. You should really bring along jumper cables the next time you decide you have the right to take something that doesn't belong to you. Its not even your greed that angers me, it is your stupidity. That car has been easily broken into many times by good, hard-working, intelligent thieves. Thats right... Those Fresno theives could really teach you a thing or two.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

Ok, so I am reprinting an article from the Bakersfield Californian Newspaper website without permission because they have one of those stupid subscription services and you wouldn't be able to access it if I hyperlinked.

Deputies seize 29 pounds of marijuana after pursuit arrest
By The Bakersfield Californian | Tuesday, Apr 11 2006 2:06 PM

Last Updated: Tuesday, Apr 11 2006 2:06 PM

A 25-year-old Bakersfield man was arrested Tuesday morning in an almond orchard after a short pursuit when officers found more than $140,000 worth of marijuana and hash oil in his vehicle, Kern County sheriff’s deputies reported.

Investigators from the sheriff’s Major Violators Unit and deputies from the Rosedale Substation attempted to stop Stephen Stilwell in the area of Stockdale Highway and Superior Road which is east of Enos Lane, deputies said.

But he raced north on Superior Road to the orchard near Brimhall Road, deputies said. Deputies arrested Stilwell at about 7:30 a.m. after he ran away from his car in which he left 29 pounds of marijuana valued at $116,000, three pounds of what is believed to be liquid hash oil valued at $24,000, and one kilo of kief (marijuana being converted to hashish that in this process has no value), officers said.

Also in the car was a loaded 12-gauge shotgun, deputies said.

Stilwell was booked into the Kern County jail on charges of felon in possession of a firearm, manufacturing hashish, possession of marijuana for sale and evading, deputies said.


How does this pertain to me? Well... I was driving in from a field this morning when I noticed a strange person in a gray SUV pull into an almond orchard that happens to be down the street from where Julie's parents live. As I came around the corner, I saw some squad cars with their lights flashing patrolling the area. It was clear they were looking for someone.
I stopped when I got to a white SUV where a guy about my age and build was putting on body armor and getting out an automatic rifle. Explaining that I was a neighbor, I asked if they were looking for someone, and told them about the gray SUV that clearly doesn't normally belong there. The deputy with the big gun told me the SUV was one of their undercover agents and asked if I had seen anyone on foot. I hadn't. He said it would be in my best interest to stay out of the area for a while.
I proceeded down the street to check on my mother-in-law who I suspected might be home alone (like any good son-in-law would). Finding her not at gunpoint, I told her what happened and went back to my work. I figured that the house was well beyond the walking distance of even the fastest criminals (there are also at least a 1/2 dozen other houses between the orchard and their house). Plus, I have full confidence in my mother-in-law to defend herself. Seriously! Any criminal who sees her as a potential victim is an idiot and totally deserves the merciless beating he would surely recieve. I also made sure the doors were tightly locked when I left the house.
Nothing else really happened, but it brought a little excitemtent to my day.

Nintendo

Feeling a little nastalgic. I found a site where you can play every Nintendo game ever made on your computer for free.
You do have to have Java for it to work properly. On my computer, the games are playable, but run a little slow. Hopefully, some of you will have better luck.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

Wrath of God

I already knew God hated SUVs, but now there's proof. He just caused the ground to open up and swallow one!

Reporting the Obvious

I don't know how long this link will work, but this has to be the dumbest reporting ever. I don't know if they will change the title of the article, but right now it reads, "Valley in middle of a rainstorm." Talk about the media being irrelevant. Anyone who has been out of the indoors for 30 seconds in the last 36 hours could tell you that.

Here are some more possible topics for future Fresno Bee articles:
"The Sky is Blue"
"Some people are men, others women"
"Dodgers fans are mentally deficient" (That one is obvious to me anyway)
"People asking to be paid for work"
"Wife mad at cheating husband"

MCC Sale

Anyone going to the MCC sale?

When Breaking News Happens...

You heard it here first folks! Yesterday I posted a link to a live action version of the Simpsons intro. Today I find out that the Simpsons will be actually using this as their intro on their new episode this week (Sunday 8pm EST/PST).

Talk about Smack!

I just found this video that I have been dying to have a link to. I am always trying to explain to people how Jim Rome got famous. If you don't know, it was of course the Rome vs. Chris...err.. Jim Everett incident, and now I have a link on my blog so that everyone who didn't know can see the video for themselves.

The Simpsons

Anyone who likes Simpsons as much as me will enjoy this. Someone shot the intro frame-for-frame in real life with real places/sets and actors. This must have taken a lot of work and is a fitting tribute to a great show.

More cat nonsense

Here's one of the most hilarious animal videos I've ever seen: Cat Jump. I don't know why its so funny, but I can watch this over and over and laugh every time.

MEOW!

I was playing this game online 'cause I love to make my wife mad, and I knew that if this didn't do it nothing would. The thing is, our cat totally understood what I was doing. He woke up from his nap and was staring at me with the most frightened and disturbed look. Now he is giving me a look like I am a killer and won't let me touch him.

Here's another good one. My best shot was 710 ft. Anyone do better?

Food for the Soul

Giada De Laurentiis



I love her show Everyday Italian on the Food Network simply because it has great recipes and for no other reason. I also like (actually love) the recipes in her cookbook of the same name. I believe cookbooks should have lots of pictures and this one doesn't let me down, except that she isn't in enough of them.
Well, anyway, she has a new cookbook coming out next month, and will be doing booksignings to promote it. She will be in various locales in the Bay Area or LA area on different days between 4/29 and 5/9. I don't know if my wife would want to go, so anyone interested in taking a roadtrip with me?

Back and Better Than Ever

YES! My blog is finally back up. Blogger has been having problems, and I haven't been able to access my blog for about 3 days. I hope these problems are over and we can get back to normal. So if you have been getting "error" or "forbidden" messages when you try to access my blog it seems to be better now, but that may not be permenant.

Don't count your chickens before they are hatched: I just went to my blog and found the formating all messed up. They must be working still.
Please stick with me. I'm sure they will get it fixed soon. If not, I will move my blog to another service and will let all of my readers know where to find me.

March Madness?

I've only seen about 10 total minutes of the tournament so far this year. Last year I took the week off, and watched all the coverage CBS could dish out. The little bit I did see made me not want to watch at all. I thought Winthrop totally got robbed today with that phantom foul call. How can a guy who is standing perfectly still with his hands straight up in the air commit a foul? He wasn't even moving. Doesn't he have a right to the space he occupies as long as it is not directly under the basket? I guess if your a 15 seed, you don't have a right to much of anything except getting bounced in the 1st round by the refs.
Big thumbs down...
-to the refs in that game.
-to me for not blogging enough this week
-to That 70's Show not ending last year

Big thumbs up...
-to Savemart for the beautiful cut of beef I purchased and BBQed tonight
-to Craig Kilborn for being such a funny SOB. Where is that guy? I would pay money to see more of him. I enjoyed him on Sportscenter, the daily show and finally his latenight show. Too bad that didn't work out. The only thing I've seen him in since then is OLD SCHOOL (aka the funniest movie ever), and he was hilarous. Actually, I also saw the Sportscenter he returned to do, but Dan Patrick barely let him get a word in edgewise. That makes me think... Kilborn has this bit that he does where he plays this really straight, guys-guy, jerk very similar to his role in Old School (did I mention its funny?). I bet Dan Patrick is the inspiration for that bit.
-my soft bed. I am going to it now. My alarm is set for 4:45 am. Talk about March Madness!

Huh?

I was going to make some mean jokes about the name of this farm, but I felt too bad. Lets just say, if you are going to start a business, take some time to think about ALL the ways a name can be taken. That goes for naming children too.
Oh, I can't resist.
"I don't know what they grow, but I bet it gets tall fast."

Think my joke is lame? Comment and tell me a better one.

Light it up

It rain fairly steadily in bakersfield all day yesterday. As I was driving around town with my windshield wipers on their highest setting, I barely noticed a few things that almost looked like cars--it was hard to tell through all the rain. They couldn't have been cars, though, since they didn't have any lights on. You see, California law stipulates that one must use headlights during any sustained rainfall or visibility less than 1,000 feet. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself (very bottom of the page). Oh, and for those of you who think your parking light (those little orange ones) count, they don't.
I am not a fan of daytime running lights, but I think this is a good law. It is so much easier to see someone in a storm if they have their lights on. Plus, when the roads are wet, you need extra time to react and seeing someone a spit second earlier could make a huge difference. Too bad it will never be enforced. No cops want to spend a rainy day getting out of their cosy squad cars to write $96 tickets.