An Open Letter

This is an open letter to whoever reads this about my life and my thoughts right now. I promise I will try to go back to being "not funny" very soon:

It looks like I will be spending some time in Fresno this week. My family is going through some stuff right now, and I need to be there for them. I should be there for at least a few days starting on monday. This is the first time since we have been married that I have gone somewhere and left Julie at home for any more than an overnight fishing trip. She wanted to come with me, but I really feel like she needs to stay here to work and hold down the fort. She has already taken one day off for my family last week, and I feel like taking any more might be pushing it with her work situation. Its not like we haven't been apart. She has been gone on business trips for a week or more at least 3 times, but this time feels different since I am the one who is leaving.

I guess I feel a little guilty. I am leaving my wife home alone, and am leaving her family when things are pretty busy on the farm. But I know this is the right thing to do. My family really needs me right now and that is the most important thing. This is just a microcosm of the major issues in my larger life. If I had to reduce it down to its simplest form it would be this: I try really hard. I try to be the best husband, friend, son, brother, citizen I can be. I try love and honor my wife's family every single day, which includes trying to be the best worker I can be. I try to be fair, just and compassionate in everything I do. I try to live in a way that doesn't cause harm to others. I try to make the world a better place. You might laugh and call me an ideologue, but those are really the things I think about trying to do every day.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure that I totally fail at most of those things about 99% of the time. And I'm ok with that. I know that none of us can be perfect, or even close to perfect. You see, my personal "goodness" isn't important to me out of some sense of ego, perfection, self-righteousness, or other self-focused attitude. Ghandi said that one ought to be the change he/she wants to see in the world. Thats why I try. I guess a different way of putting it would be to say that "I try hard to do right by the people around me." It would be nice if I felt like I was successful once in a while.

Well, all of that to explain how today I got the best compliment of my life. I tell you this next part, not to toot my own horn, but to share with you something that deeply touched me. Today I took my wife to get coffee at 6 am before going to the hospital to see how my brother weathered the night. I was totally stressed and worried about him, my mom, work, life, world peace, aids in africa... you get the picture. I was driving in silence thinking about all these things with a furrowed brow, when Julie looked over at me with a smile and said with total sincerity and no agenda, "You are a good man."

Wow! I care what she thinks more than any person in the whole world. And I can't think of something that she could say to me that would mean as much. She's never said it to me before, and I don't know why she said it, but it made me feel as proud as I ever have and as humbled as I ever have at the same time. I don't know how that happens, but it did. That may be the high point of my life. I hope that you all someday have someone who means everything to you say something like that.
--Dana